“WE NOTICED THAT NO MATTER HOW WELL
WE TRAINED SOMEONE IN THE ART OF
DELIVERING FEEDBACK, THE PERSON ON
THE OTHER END OF THE CONVERSATION IS
ULTIMATELY MORE IMPORTANT, BECAUSE THEY
INTERPRET WHAT IS BEING SAID AND DECIDE
WHETHER TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.”
In the book, you mention that just because a person
receives feedback does not mean they have to act
on it. That may surprise some readers.
DS: I’m glad you are mentioning that. When we originally told
people we were writing this book, they assumed we were going to
argue they had to do something with the feedback they received.
That isn’t the case at all. We wrote this book from the perspec-tive
of the receiver and our primary goal was to share the things
that might be interfering with their ability to hear and understand
feedback. However, like other things in our lives, we should exam-ine
feedback with a thoughtful eye before we decide whether we
should act on it.
Another thing we wanted to highlight is that feedback can be
quite disruptive to a relationship. Once again, being on the side of
the receiver, we wanted to make sure people speak up loudly and
clearly when someone is delivering feedback in a destructive way.
One of the big ideas we try to get across is that when we are
faced with destructive feedback, we can and should ask the per-son
what their intended goal in sharing is. What are they hoping
to have happen? Usually, when people are asked this question, they
will say they are trying to help the receiver improve or get better.
If their delivery style or timing is interfering with their desired
impact, this can be a great opportunity to let the deliverer know
about that disconnect. You are putting it in terms of their interests,
goals and purpose and letting them know their approach is com-promising
their desired effect.
You talk about the triggers that block feedback. What are
they and how do they interfere with our receptivity?
DS: There are a million reasons feedback is hard to hear, but
we’ve grouped all those reasons into three buckets. First, there
are “truth triggers,” which cause us to reject or struggle with the
– DOUGLAS STONE
feedback because of the feedback itself. For example, we feel it’s
untrue, unfair or outdated.
The second trigger concerns our relationship with the person de-livering
the feedback. Essentially, this boils down to what we think
about the person and what we believe they think about us. Do they
like or care about us? For example, if we think they don’t like us or are
competing against us, we are much less likely to trust the feedback.
“Identity triggers” are the last reason we struggle with receiving
feedback because it challenges our sense of who we are and where
we see ourselves in the world. Even if the feedback feels on target,
prompting an identity trigger makes it very difficult to accept.
It is important to know that the triggers all interact with one an-other
and that people have different triggers, which is why feedback
conversations are so tricky.
How can people best identify and manage their triggers?
DS: In terms of identifying our triggers, become familiar with what
goes through your head when you receive feedback. This will help
you figure out which of the three triggers you tend to default to,
which may be operating at any given moment. And remember, they
can all operate at the same time.
When it comes to managing our triggers, there are a few simple
things we can do. For example, when we are interpreting feedback
through a truth trigger, we tend to ask ourselves the question of
“What’s wrong with this feedback?” Although it is okay to think
about what is potentially wrong, we also need to ask an accompany-ing
question, such as “What is right about this feedback?” or “What
could be useful about this feedback?”
It is also important to discuss with feedback givers how we tend to
react to feedback and what helps us take it in and understand it. This
maximizes the chances we will be able to engage well in a feedback
conversation, and, ultimately, learn and grow. n
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24 ❚ NOVEMBER 2017 ❚ HR PROFESSIONAL
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