rather than on a rational practice of finding out about the potential
customer first. People are most influenced when the conversation
is focused on what they care about. Potential customers usually
buy when they feel heard.
EXAMPLE #2: EMPLOYEE ONE-ON-ONE MEETING
At the weekly one-on-one meeting, a manager begins by asking
the employee, “What do you want to make sure happens in this
one-on-one?”
Again, there are various possible responses to that question.
Think of how differently a boss would respond to the following
responses:
■■ I have three projects that are stalled because I need a decision
from you.
■■ The new product is going to ship two weeks late unless you…
■■ I have lost confidence and want to discuss leaving.
■■ Nothing. I don’t understand why we meet each week.
How a leader responds is where the real influence begins. He
or she needs to know reality and the state of the team member’s
situation before determining what is most important to focus on
in a one-on-one. Yet, leaders often drive a meeting without first
understanding a very important piece for success – employee
engagement.
EXAMPLE #3: A ONE-ON-ONE WITH THE CEO
A human resources expert is typically skilled at having uncom-fortable
conversations. To best influence the decision-making of
a CEO, he or she typically must be in a comfortable (non-reac-tive)
listening state. The key to executive influence is their ability
to keep the CEO open and comfortable for as long as possible.
One way to do this is to begin the meeting with an orienting ques-tion,
focus on exactly what the CEO cares most about first: “What
do you want to make sure happens in this meeting?”
All humans have the basic need to feel understood, and often
the conversation a people expert has planned will connect directly
with either the emotional state of the CEO or the outcomes they
say they want. Or it may become very clear conditions are not op-timal
for the planned agenda.
CURIOSITY IS KEY
If we are thinking rationally, curiosity is the key to influencing
other people. Without clear questions and an open, curious mind,
time is wasted and both parties leave feeling unheard.
■■ Curiosity is contagious – When we are truly curious about
another person, we can frame our conversation so they can
easily find themselves in what we are saying, then they are
more likely to listen. This is important in sales, as noted above,
most especially in leadership.
■■ True commitment can’t be faked – How people feel about
themselves around a leader dictates commitment versus
compliance. Since people have a basic need to feel understood,
a leader who shows that he or she truly understands is more
likely to gain commitment from a team member. We do not
manage time anymore; we manage attention. Commitment
must be a goal in any conversation – not verbalized faux
commitment, but real commitment.
■■ Ask and know for sure – if influence requires another person’s
mindset, state, preferences or emotional complexity, it seems
more rational to do something to see where they are before
starting to talk. In the scenarios above, what is said and how
it is said changes based on how the other person comes to the
conversation.
Communicating with emotional literacy means to behave in
ways that move a leader closer to outcomes they truly want, es-pecially
during difficult or uncomfortable moments. It enables
influencers to see discomfort as a sign that something is going
right, rather than as a sign that something is going wrong.
Perhaps people do not ask what other people want out of a con-versation
because they want to stick to their agenda. If the other
person starts talking, the goal of the meeting may get hijacked. Yet,
one key piece of influence is the ability to confront reality soon-er,
then improve up on it. Influence improves when the listener is
open to hear what the influencer has to say, and when the influenc-er
is okay with discomfort. n
Christina Harbridge is the founder of Allegory, Inc. and the author of
an upcoming book, Swayed: How to Communicate for Impact.
leadership
SINCE PEOPLE HAVE A
BASIC NEED TO FEEL
UNDERSTOOD, A LEADER
WHO SHOWS THAT HE OR
SHE TRULY UNDERSTANDS
IS MORE LIKELY TO GAIN
COMMITMENT FROM
A TEAM MEMBER.
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32 ❚ MAY 2017 ❚ HR PROFESSIONAL